One guilty post

"Guilt is the source of sorrow, "tis the fiend, Th' avenging fiend, that follows us behind, With whips and stings..." -Nicholas Rowe

There are many pains in the world. But most people tend to picture pain as a physical aspect. Yet, psychological pain is the worst feelings that no fourty storey high fall, or gun shot could ever beat. The pain on places upon themselves from any act. Guilt.

I've had this psychological pain within me for my whole life. If it's injuring a child, having them being sent to the hospital and to live on with their scars or from simply breaking something and not having the courage to take responsibility or confess, I've been there many times. It's not the actual incident which sends me into the emotional whirlpool of despair, but the afterevents. Like having to see the scars which the child bears on them bare body, having to look at it everyday and think, I did that, I caused not only this child so much pain and suffering, but also their family too, or having someone of highly authority having to take the responsibility for my actions because, it is their responsibility to unsure I do not do anything wrong. It's those moments where my heart completely stops and the guilt kicks in.

What makes it worse is when someone, an outsider, I guess you could say, decides its their duty to make me feel awful so what I did, to constantly remind me, you did this, be careful, don't touch anything, we don't want a repeat of last time. Each word is literally like several knives continually stabbing my heart. No one understands, I am terribly sorry and I know I'm an awful person for doing it, but there is no need to remind me of my actions. They do not understand that the guilt alone is painful.

The aftermath kind of relieves the stress and guilt off my chest, but there is still that tiny wound in my heart which still carries the burden of that event. Seeing the scars on the child that I injured about three or four years ago breaks my heart. Having to look into the eyes of my superiors and tell them that I am truly sorry and that they do not place the blame on others is painful. Deep down inside, I can still sense the parents of the little child's instincts when they see me. Although it was long ago and it was an accident, I can sense their hesitation and worry for their child. I still do not know what is going to happen with the other situation though. I fear having to go back there and see what the aftermath of my accident is. But I pray, so much that they do not place the blame on others for my stupid accident.

Guilt is something that will always remain with you. No matter what you do, no matter how much you apologize and confess your wrong, it is always there. Either in the eyes of an outsider, the words of the victims or the hole in your heart which gets bigger and bigger with every fault you do in life.